Your boss decides to cancel a project that you had been working on for weeks.

Frustrated by her decision, you snap back in an email to a colleague, calling it an “idiotic” decision.

Of course, it’s forwarded to your boss, and she writes: “I don’t appreciate being called an idiot!”

And in your defense, you re-frame what you said. “I didn’t mean it was idiotic. I’m sorry you read it that way. It just wasted a lot of my time, and I felt it was well….thoughtless… to cancel the project…”

“So are you saying I’m thoughtless too?” she asks.

Better stop the email conversation right there before you dig too deep a hole.

When we’re angry, we tend to snap and write things we regret afterwards because it’s hard –at that very moment—to envision the consequences. (We’re so buried in the emotion.)

So if you say something unfortunate — what do you do?

You can immediately apologize. “I am so sorry I said that. I was upset and please forgive me.”

But, it might be too late.

The boss will not forget what you said, nor will she ever trust you again.

“Sometimes you just have to say what you’re feeling,” a client told me recently. “You can’t just keep sidestepping the issue.”

Calling people names, however, is what three years old do – and that kind of adolescent behavior in business has dire consequences, especially when we put it in writing.

It’s there forever.

The email can be put in your file.

It can be forwarded to others.

And it can be used against you.

Even if you survive it, people treat you differently when they think you’re prone to misjudgments and verbal tantrums.

This doesn’t mean we have to say absolutely nothing or spend weeks searching for the right word or words.

But, we shouldn’t be Trigger-Happy either. Here are five rules to follow:

1. Never write when you’re angry. Put that emotion in your back pocket. It’s like playing poker. Don’t show your cards.
2. Filter your own emails. Develop a healthy sense of doubt. Check for words like “need” and “should” and “must.” If someone needs criticism, do it live — make it a conversation.
3. Avoid BIEs (Beer induced emails).
4. Always include some personal kindness in an email. Use “hi.” Sign your emails with “Thanks” or “Best regards.” Be engaging, not dismissive.
5. Never put anything in writing you wouldn’t want to see on the front page of your local newspaper.

When dealing with emotionally charged issues like the cancellation of a project, acknowledge your feelings. “Truly, I worked a whole week on it, and I’m disappointed that I can’t finish it.” Discuss this in person, and if necessary follow up with a written summary of the meeting. Most importantly, find out why this project was cancelled before you rush to judgment. Often we react badly because we don’t ask the right questions or don’t understand what’s behind the decision.

“Could you tell me why the project was cancelled” might be nine words that can save you from sabotaging your job, perhaps even your career.

Tune in this week to Dr. Brian and Dr. Gary’s Insultant/Consultant show, Sunday January 30, 2011, http://www.blogtalkradio.com/consultantinsultant to learn some tips for avoiding this misguided behavior.

Dear Bill,

I talked to cousin Sam yesterday and he said you were supposed to call me re: the funeral.
I was so upset you didn’t call me. I would not have missed it for anything. Next time, call me when someone dies in the family.

Love, Marla
———————————————————————————————————

Dear Marla,

You didn’t go to either of my sons’ weddings last year. Why would you suddenly appear at a funeral? And I didn’t call you because Sam said he’d make those calls himself. You should know me better than that.

Bill
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Bill

I’m sorry. I wasn’t mad at you. That’s just the information I got. You know I was sick last year and couldn’t make either of the weddings. Don’t have such a fit.

Marla
——————————————————————————————————-
Dear Marla,

I’m not having a fit… Next time, pick up the phone and ask me what’s going on rather than accuse me via mail.
Bill

Dear Bill,

What accusations are you talking about?

Marla

And it goes on and on.

The two bicker back and forth, never picking up the phone to discuss the matter, and before you know, the emails are forwarded to family and friends, each one defending their position.

Ever have an email war with your family? Tension builds. Frustrations grow out of control. And whatever you put in your writing, it’s there forever.

A lot of times we forget embarrassing and shameful things that are said out loud. They just disappear out of our memory. But with emails, they live forever.

They could survive an Icelandic volcano, because they are invisible creatures that never die.

Find out how to control them and keep your family safe from troublesome emails. Tune into Dr. Gary and Dr Brian’s Insultant/ Consultant Show this Sunday at 8:30 am and discover some tricks, secrets, and strategies for keeping you and your family out of email hell. http://www.blogtalkradio.com/consultantinsultant