Your boss decides to cancel a project that you had been working on for weeks.
Frustrated by her decision, you snap back in an email to a colleague, calling it an “idiotic” decision.
Of course, it’s forwarded to your boss, and she writes: “I don’t appreciate being called an idiot!”
And in your defense, you re-frame what you said. “I didn’t mean it was idiotic. I’m sorry you read it that way. It just wasted a lot of my time, and I felt it was well….thoughtless… to cancel the project…”
“So are you saying I’m thoughtless too?” she asks.
Better stop the email conversation right there before you dig too deep a hole.
When we’re angry, we tend to snap and write things we regret afterwards because it’s hard –at that very moment—to envision the consequences. (We’re so buried in the emotion.)
So if you say something unfortunate — what do you do?
You can immediately apologize. “I am so sorry I said that. I was upset and please forgive me.”
But, it might be too late.
The boss will not forget what you said, nor will she ever trust you again.
“Sometimes you just have to say what you’re feeling,” a client told me recently. “You can’t just keep sidestepping the issue.”
Calling people names, however, is what three years old do – and that kind of adolescent behavior in business has dire consequences, especially when we put it in writing.
It’s there forever.
The email can be put in your file.
It can be forwarded to others.
And it can be used against you.
Even if you survive it, people treat you differently when they think you’re prone to misjudgments and verbal tantrums.
This doesn’t mean we have to say absolutely nothing or spend weeks searching for the right word or words.
But, we shouldn’t be Trigger-Happy either. Here are five rules to follow:
When dealing with emotionally charged issues like the cancellation of a project, acknowledge your feelings. “Truly, I worked a whole week on it, and I’m disappointed that I can’t finish it.” Discuss this in person, and if necessary follow up with a written summary of the meeting. Most importantly, find out why this project was cancelled before you rush to judgment. Often we react badly because we don’t ask the right questions or don’t understand what’s behind the decision.
“Could you tell me why the project was cancelled” might be nine words that can save you from sabotaging your job, perhaps even your career.
Tune in this week to Dr. Brian and Dr. Gary’s Insultant/Consultant show, Sunday January 30, 2011, http://www.blogtalkradio.com/consultantinsultant to learn some tips for avoiding this misguided behavior.
I tried to put myself in HP’s shoes this week, and it allowed my imagination to go wild.
I work for a company worth billions. Highly profitable. A few thousand thousands here or there would probably not make much of a difference.
Hey, I’m the big cheese. I’m President of one of the biggest companies in the world!
Big event planned in San Francisco this weekend - I bring a date, hire her to greet guests and create rapport with new vendors, clients, salespeople from India – pay her $5000 – ensuring, perhaps, a night out on the town with her that weekend. Hey, I deserve to have my needs met, and it will make me a more productive and valuable asset to my company, come Monday morning.
Turns out that a number of events are planned over the next six months, and though I can hire professional hand-shakers for $500 a night, I again hire my “greeter” at $5000 a pop to show up, soak in the atmosphere, smile at guests, shake their hands, and spend a night or two with me at the St. Francis, to recuperate from all her hard work.
To make it look even more legitimate than it already is, I submit a report that simply indicates Public Relations. That’s what she’s doing, and she’s doing a darn good job at it!
In my mind it’s perfectly justified because what’s $5000 in PR for a company I help produce millions of profit every single day? I deserve it. She deserves it. And it’s a drop in the bucket compared to the millions we throw away on advertising and marketing.
Besides, when my needs are taken care of? The company prospers.
Getting inside the head of your executives and wondering how they justify outlandish expenditures might be an interesting exercise. And it’s not just executives that misuse their power and their funds, and misappropriate expenditures.
Employees who are angry will steal (and feel perfectly justified – they deserve this!) And entire teams will take trips to Las Vegas – Branson Missouri! and pay for food and parties, justifying these events as morale boosters. Of course, they submit the expenses as a convention expense (though the only convention in Branson is the Andy Williams Fan Club Get Together on Saturday Night. I expense that as Networking.)
Tune in this Sunday and explore the imagination of business professionals who scheme and invent and create elaborate ways to justify bowling parties, trips to Bermuda, a new computer for home, a pair of expensive shoes from Nike, a date with Heather.
What lies do we tell ourselves and why do we do it? When we hear stories (i.e. the recent Mike Hurd scandal), what price are we willing to pay for our fiscal imaginations?
Tune in this week to Dr. Brian and Dr. Gary’s insultant/consultant show, Sunday August 15, 2010, http://www.blogtalkradio.com/consultantinsultant to learn some surprising insights from two different points of view. Call in and share your opinion. You never know what one of them might say.
You’re standing around the water cooler, and everyone’s talking about the Mel Gibson audiotapes that have been broadcast on TV.
(You don’t watch TV. You didn’t hear any of the tapes. You could care less).
At lunch someone asks, “So what do you think about Snookie on Jersey Shore?”
Who?
Then, a questionnaire is passed among the staff asking what is dubbed the question of the week: Who should be the next Judge on American Idol now that Ellen has left?
Ellen? Ellen who? American Idol? Never watched it. Why bother me with this trivia?
What are you guys crazy? Get back to work! Stop wasting my time!
Most offices in businesses across America thrive on cultural gossip. For whatever reason – it relieves tension, it inspires laughter, even brings employees from different departments together for a common interest. Whether it’s a discussion of why a particular football player defected to another team – or should this celebrity dump husband #4 – gossip in the workplace thrives.
How do you feel about that? Ever feel like a cultural idiot? When people talk about these TV shows, do you feel included? Left out? Alienated? Superior? Inferior?
Does it waste our time at work, lowering productivity, or does it build teams and keep the atmosphere light and friendly during these challenging times?
Tune in this week to Dr. Brian and Dr. Gary’s insultant/consultant show, Sunday August 1, 2010, http://www.blogtalkradio.com/consultantinsultant to learn some surprising insights from two different points of view. Call in and share your opinion. You never know what one of them might say.
This week the Obama administration accepted full responsibility for the hasty firing of Shirley Sherrod, State Director of Rural Development for the United States Department of Agriculture.
After an excerpt of her address to a March 2010 NAACP meeting was posted on the Andrew Breitbart Big Government website July 19, both right wing and left media commented on what seemed a blatant act of reverse racism.
Was Sherrod declaring she had misgivings about helping a farmer keep his farm because he was White?
In truth, Sherrod, a black woman, described her understanding of the situation and her struggle to make a decision that would help the white farmer. Her speech was about racism – and not racist.
White House spokesperson, Robert Gibbs, said,
“I can’t speak for everybody involved, but I think we live in a culture [where] things whip around. People want fast responses, we want to give fast responses, and I don’t think there’s any doubt that if we look at this, one of the great lessons we take away from this is to ask all of the questions first and to come to that full understanding.”
As a result Sherrod’s ousting and the subsequent media blitz, the entire week seemed devoted to sidestepping, apologizes, angry vindictive against the left and right media.
And though a majority of politicians and journalists slammed the blogger for “jumping the gun,” Ann Coulter defended him. “He’s the victim!” she screamed.
The time and money spent to clear up an issue that might have been dismissed in seconds is symptomatic of our need to say things quickly without thinking them out first.
As a manager or supervisor, do you ever jump to conclusions? Have you ever fired anyone too quickly? Do you look at financial figures and immediately cut jobs cut marketing, cut inventory without carefully poring over the numbers?
What’s it take to change the way we think so we avoid making hasty, unfortunate decisions?
Tune in this week to Dr. Brian and Dr. Gary’s insultant/consultant show, Sunday July 25, 2010, http://www.blogtalkradio.com/consultantinsultant to learn some tips for avoiding this misguided behavior.
“She is smart, “declares the Christian Monitor. “She is learned in the law. And she has the ability to function well under extreme pressure. She’s also funny.”
What Elena Kagan is not, apparently, is someone who talks too much, divulges secret agendas, and discloses her views on undecided issues that may be facing the Supreme Court over the next few decades.
This suggests a strange yet interesting dichotomy for most of us who communicate every day at work. What do we disclose when we are interviewed for a job? How much information do we share with co-workers on controversial policies or procedures? When do I state my opinion? And when is it better to do the side-step shuffle – as many senators describe Kagan’s behavior. She is accused of choosing ones words too carefully, saying just enough about a point of view without telegraphing how she might vote in the future.
Have you ever faced a similar dilemma at work?
Many decades ago when I running for chairperson of an English department at a Los Angeles community college, I had to vote on a particular controversial issue. Hard to believe this caused a fist fight at a senate meeting, but here was the battle: Should we ditch the one year grammar program and replace it with a tutorial writing program that would eliminate the use of grammar exercises and instruction?
In other words, do we seal the fate of two instructors who built this program from scratch and taught it for over a dozen years? If their program disappears, they will have to teach other classes, transfer to another college, and/or retire
The vote naturally impacted my future because I was up for re-election as chairperson. If I voted in favor of keeping the traditional grammar program, many teachers would boycott my nomination. And if I voted against the program, two very valuable and sometimes brilliant instructors would probably do everything in their power to undermine my authority, once I was elected.
Yes, it was a secret ballot, but as you know, in small departments, there are no secrets.
Do I side-step the issue and do a Kagan-esque dance that would keep me neutral (and keep my department guessing)? Or, should I make my views known so I establish my perspective, risking my future as a college administrator?
What do we learn from these recent Supreme Court nomination proceedings and how might this influence the way we communicate with our boss and our co-workers?
To find out what I did – and hear Dr. Brian’s reaction – (we rarely ever agree) —- tune into the Insultant/Consultant Radio Show this July 4th at 9:30 AM (PST) Sunday morning on blogtalkradio.com
Once upon a time, there was a little ten year old girl, named Carly, who sat with her two sisters, Annie and Rebecca, on a flight heading from Atlanta to Milwaukee, when a mean Flight Attendant came up to her and said, “You have to get rid of your turtle.”
“My turtle?” the girl asked. “You mean Neytiri?”
“Yes, and you need to do it right now.” .
“But I was told to just put the cage under my seat? What am I going to do? She’s my turtle.”
The mean Flight Attendant took a deep breath and squinted her eyes. “No. Federal regulations – see Clause 3456 – state no turtles allowed on Air Tran. We’re taxi-ing back to the gate, taking you and your sisters off, delaying the flight a full hour, so we’re asking you right now: Get out of your seats and take the turtle off this airplane, or we’ll have to call security.”
So the teary-eyed Carly and her two sisters lifted the cage with the two inch turtle inside as the Pilots and mean Flight Attendant escorted the sisters off the jet way.
“When you say get rid of it, what do you mean?” The teary-eyed Carla asked.
“Throw it in the trash and get back on the airplane,” the mean Flight Attendant said again.” You’re holding up the entire Trans Air Airline. What do you think we have all day?”
So Carly, Rebecca and Annie reluctantly placed the caged two inch turtle in a trash bin, quickly called their father in hopes he might retrieve the animal before it got dumped into the sewers of Atlanta, and re-boarded the airplane.
Now I may have embellished this story a bit – it’s sort of Airplane Meets Snow White — but truly, this is based on a factual story, and the airline delayed a flight, forced passengers to wait at least an hour, and created a PR nightmare (broadcast around the world) just so that they could follow the letter of the law: No turtles on domestic or International flights.
I have to admit - I have a hard time with this. What’s the big deal? So the turtle breaks the rules. It’s a little, tiny pet, and let’s face it – it got through security. The little girl even asked if she could put it under her seat and she was told that was fine.
My take? Let poor Neytiri stay in her cage under the seat. Put the rule aside and move on.
Or, do you follow the letter of the law, and handle this uncomfortable situation with perhaps kit gloves? (Trans Air obviously didn’t do a good job of this).
Listen to BlogTalk radio, http://www.blogtalkradio.com/consultantinsultant Tune in this Sunday to listen/hear the Insultant/Consultant take on this. How do you deal with the breaking of rules at your company? When does it become a Public Relations nightmare and how can you avoid that? E-mail questions to Gary@themouthtrap.com
Every day now when I look in the mirror, I see my dad.
Age, I guess, does that to you, but I’ve been seeing my dad in me for decades.
When my kids were little, I read to them from the same Golden books that my dad read to me. I took the time to help my kids with their English homework, editing (sometimes rewriting their sentences) much as my dad had done when I was struggling in high school.
Just as he would often finish a phone conversation with “I love you,” I do the same with my kids. And the respect and love he showed for my mother, often leaving love notes strewn across every chairs and sofas throughout the house like fallen leaves, may not have quite inspired me but encouraged me to never be embarrassed by that mushy romantic stuff..
But the most important influence my dad had on me was his love of writing and his skill at business. If I learned nothing else from watching him negotiate deals, create advertising campaigns for Christmas (in July!), and confront tough, hostile work situations – it was this: Always be kind and respectful even when you hate the guy.
Such talent for camaraderie, even among enemies, sustained him in business and teaching for nearly six decades His generous and comforting style impressed many generations of students at Pierce College, and I continue to channel his warmth whenever I want to bite the heads of managers and supervisors.
I feel fortunate to have had a father like this, and I realize not everyone is as lucky.
But for those of us who can trace the roots of our success to our dads, what better time to consider those lessons than this weekend, Father’s Day 2010.
Tune in this Sunday at 8:30 am Pacific Time to the Dr. Brian and Dr. Gary Insultant/Consultant Show and learn how the traits of being a good father can often influence a great management style.
Call in with your own stories – and hear Dr. Brian and Dr. Gary share some surprising secrets they picked up from their dads.
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This week the 89 year old Helen Thomas, a reporter who covered the administrations of ten presidents in a career spanning nearly sixty years, resigned after apologizing for her remarks about Israel.
She said Israelis should “get the hell out of Palestine” and should return to Germany, Poland and the USA.
One critic felt it was not the sentiment but the rough language that caused the controversy. Had she said, “Get the heck out of Palestine,” would the reaction have been different?
Frankly, the thoughts themselves are quite ridiculous: Go back to Germany? What was she thinking? If one puts it in perspective (she’s old, cranky, and near retirement), why blame her? She simply stayed on too long and should have been given Happy Acres contract years ago!
Nevertheless, it has initiated an International incident.
Interesting how one comment can instantly label one of the most revered reporters of our time a traitor, even an enemy of the state!
Loose lips sink ships, my mother once said, and this is a classic example of that…
In an age where TV, radio, twitter, facebook, and even marijuana induced memories cause us to record everything that is said on this planet, we have to be especially carefully about the words that fall out of our mouths.
One need only look at the comments from Toyota, British Petroleum, AIG and numerous other companies to realize words can haunt you…
Tune in this Sunday to discover some ways to see whether or not your employees have the lips that sink ships.
Do you have a Helen Thomas or a Carly Farina on your staff?
Did you just hire someone whose words fall out of her mouth like gumballs?
Let’s face it. No company can afford the loss of income, the law suits, let alone the political/social consequences of a very badly worded message. The good news? It can be avoided through some technology and techniques Dr. Gary and Dr. Brian will share with you this Sunday in a show that can’t be missed!
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/consultantinsultant
A Three-Part Phone Conversation with the Insultant/Consultant Team of Dr. Brian and Dr. Gary
Imagine you’re in the travel business – in 2010 – and not only are people cutting back on their entertainment expenses, but every day another airline is announcing more restrictions, delays, up front costs, and security problems.
Oil now threatens to destroy beach travel all across the South.
Even new political changes and scandals (AIG, immigration laws) cause entire companies to boycott having conventions or conferences anywhere outside their warehouse.
And to make matters worse, the whole of Europe with its economic turmoil turns potential European tourists into stay-at home-vacationers.
“Why bother? I’ll just take my two weeks, stay at home with my family, and barbecue,” one client told me.
“This summer? We’re hiking, biking, and museum hopping at home,” said another.
How do you inspire and motivate a staff to wake up every morning and feel like making wildly profitable cold calls when your clientele is shrinking and the world around you seems to be on the edge of default?
Tune into their greatest challenge ever: Motivating the Unmotivated.
This Sunday, Dr. Brian and Dr. Gary start a three part series about staying motivated during trying times.
June 6 Part One: Learn how to distinguish yourself from other companies and other employees. How do you uniquely create your own niche through better email communication, better phone calls, more energized spirited positive messaging so that you go beyond the proverbial weather issues (the economy, competition, attracting customers, environment)
June 13 Part Two: What can companies and employers do themselves that will inspire this positive attitude the moment the employee steps into the door? In fact, is there a test to see if you’re even capable of developing this distinguishable attitude? Tune into for some surprising tips on interview questions and systems you can institute to assure you’re hiring a “positive” person.
June 20 Part Three: In honor of Father’s Day, Dr. Brian and Dr. Gary have a real surprise for you. What influences did your father or mother have on your ability to be motivated at work? Are some employees just simply better at this because of their upbringing? What can families do to inspire their children to develop a natural affinity to bounce back? Be positive? Be self-motivated?
You can’t afford to miss this opportunity to hear two experts (the sickeningly tell it like it is Dr. Brian and the gleamingly glass-too-full Dr. Gary) to discuss new ways to deal with everyday employee problems and dilemmas.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/consultantinsultant
Ever say something and get a blank stare from your listener? Or you’re talking at a meeting and somewhere in the audience you hear a “Whoa” sound. You can just feel this knot incubate in your stomach, realizing that you said something you know stepped over the line.
It happens every day, of course, to famous people all over the world.
This week, one crucial situation provided a great example of stepping over the line. The CEO of BP, Tony Hayward, was perceived as handling a major oil spill crisis in a proactive manner. But his comments offended all of his potential supporters and the government by stating “It wasn’t our accident,” he told the Today Show on Monday. Pressed by anchor Meredith Vieira, Hayward claimed: “The drilling rig was a Transocean drilling rig. It was their rig and their equipment that failed, run by their people, their processes.”
That statement, blaming others and taking no responsibility himself, caused an outcry from Gulf States suffering from the oil spill.
In fact, Hayward’s arrogance could easily characterize the tone of many CEOs in this era of financial collapse and ethical misconduct.
Will Hayward (or managers at Goldman Sachs or hundreds of other CEOs in financial institutions across the land) win back the faith of the American people?
Once people at work (or home) change their perception of you, or if you are perceived being aggressive, it’s difficult to gain back trust or change the perception. The fact is, one year of perfect behavior/communication, followed by one mistake, can reinforce people’s negative perception of you.
Whether you are in the public eye or not, here are some quick tips for staying on the assertive rather than aggressive side of Smart Communication:
• Prepare notes, and refer to them during meetings or presentations.
• If possible, record your ideas and play them back to yourself. How would you feel if you were the recipient?
• Talk to a trusted source before you have to speak at the meeting or with a boss or client.
• If you are put on the spot, or speaking off the cuff, take a deep breath and think for a moment. It’s okay to say, “Please just give me a moment to think, or could you repeat the question?
Nobody at work or home expects you to speak like a professional. However, if you practice simple, Smart Communication techniques you can quickly be perceived as an excellent, Smart Communicator. Tune in Sunday morning when we talk on Blog talk Radio, the Consultant/Insultant at 8:30 AM http://www.blogtalkradio.com/consultantinsultant